Art thou bored?

By David Murrow (Reprinted with permission) 

Learn more about David Murrow at www.churchformen.com

Millions of men avoid church because they think it's a "woman's thing". And you know what, they may be right.

Five years ago, my faith in Christ was hanging on by a thread. I loved God, but I hated going to church. Sunday morning would find my body in the pews, but my heart was elsewhere. I was so desperate I began exploring alternative religions, including Islam. Did I mention I was an elder in my church?

Then something unusual happened. In a three-day period five people walked up to me and recommended John Eldredge's book Wild at Heart. I picked up a copy, and on page seven I found a perfect description of my condition: "Walk into most churches, have a look around, and ask yourself: What is a Christian man? Without listening to what is said, look at what you find there. Most Christian men are ... bored."

That was me ... bored to death. I was doing all the right things: born-again, a personal relationship with Jesus, active in church, winning over sin, and a good husband and father. But every Sunday I died a little inside. Bible reading only made things worse: The Christ I found in Scripture was a wild stallion, but the church seemed intent on turning me into a gelding.

I was not alone. Truth is, a lot of faithful, churchgoing men are not all that excited come Sunday morning. Quite a few attend out of habit, surviving on the memories of victories won years ago. Others attend services simply to keep their wives happy. Most guys do nothing midweek to grow in faith. Few churches are able to sustain a viable men's ministry.

What happened? How did a faith founded by a man and his 12 male disciples become such a poor fit for men? Why do rival faiths (such as Islam) inspire male allegiance, while ours breeds male indifference? After five years of research I think I know the answers to these questions. I wrote my findings in a book titled Why Men Hate Going to Church.

Why are men fleeing from our churches?

A business guru once said, "Your system is perfectly designed to give you the results you're getting." Christianity's primary delivery system, the local church, is perfectly designed to reach women and older folks. That's why our pews are filled with them. But this church system offers little to stir the masculine heart, so men find it boring and irrelevant. The more masculine the man, the more likely he is to dislike church.

What do I mean? Men and young adults are drawn to risk, challenge and adventure. But these things are discouraged in the local church. Instead, most congregations offer a safe, nurturing community--an oasis of stability and predictability. Studies show that women and seniors gravitate toward these things. Although our official mission is one of adventure, the actual mission of most congregations is making people feel comfortable and safe--especially longtime members. (Pastors, can I have an amen?)

Though men readily acknowledge the goodness of the Christian faith, they are not swept up in it because church life is so soft and sweet. The secure womb that is today's church fails to match the adventurous spirit found in most men.

So men (even those who know and love God) are dying in our churches. Many are dropping out. On any given Sunday there are 13 million more adult women than men in America's churches, and 6 million married women are worshiping without their husbands--that's one out of five. As many as 90 percent of the boys who are being raised in church will abandon it by their 20th birthdays--some never to return.

The more traditional the church, the more likely you'll find a large gender gap. But even modern, "with-it" churches have trouble attracting men, because they're fighting Christianity's dubious reputation as a place for little old ladies of both genders. Men avoid church for the same reason they avoid baby showers: They think it's a women's thing. And you know what? They may be right.

Church became the province of women in the 1800s.

With the dawning of the industrial revolution, large numbers of men sought work in mines, mills and factories, far from home and familiar parish. Women stayed behind and began remaking the church in their image. The Victorian era saw the rise of church nurseries, Sunday schools, lay choirs, quilting circles, ladies' teas, soup kitchens, girls' societies, potluck dinners, and so on.

Soon, the very definition of a good Christian had changed: Boldness and aggression were out; passivity and receptivity were in. The godly were always calm, polite and sociable. This feminine spirituality still dominates our churches. Those of us who grew up in church hardly notice it; we can't imagine things any other way. But a male visitor detects the feminine spirit the moment he walks in the sanctuary door. He may feel like Tom Sawyer in Aunt Polly's parlor; he must watch his language, mind his manners and be extra polite. It's hard for a man to be real in church because he must squeeze himself into this feminine religious mold.

Churchgoing men are such spiritual weaklings not because they are apathetic; they are apathetic because we measure spirituality with a feminine yardstick. What man gets excited about becoming more like mom? And pity the man who tries to bring masculine traits such as boldness, aggression and ferocity into church. (We can't do that--someone's feelings might get hurt.) Our church system is out to tame men, and men know it.

It's ironic--even as men flee our churches by the millions, we focus on making women more comfortable. Female-oriented ministries outnumber their male counterparts by 3 to 1. Mainline churches have stripped masculine references from hymns, liturgy and even Scripture. Christ has gotten an extreme makeover: Thanks to Sunday school, He's now gentle Jesus, meek and mild. Praise music gets more romantic by the day, expressing our love for God in terms once reserved for torrid romance novels. Even the gospel itself has been recast: It's no longer an epic struggle to establish God's kingdom, it's a personal relationship with Jesus.

Men, if you've felt out of place in church, it's not your fault. If you've tried and failed to get a men's ministry going in your church, it's not your fault. If you can't get your buddies interested in church, it's not your fault. The church system is getting the results it's designed to get. Until that system changes--radically--men will continue to perish, both inside and outside our congregations.

Try to see church through the eyes of a typical guy. It's intimidating for a man to hold hands in a circle, to cry in public or to imagine falling deeply in love with another man (even if his name is Jesus). If we're going to be fishers of men, we've got to do a better job considering men's needs and expectations. Jesus did it; so must we.

How can you turn things around in your church?

John Eldredge's book gave men permission to be wild at heart; it's time for men to be wild at church. I challenge every man to rekindle the masculine spirit in his congregation.

Try these ideas:
· Practice a masculine spirituality. Robert Lewis defines it this way: A real man rejects passivity, accepts responsibility, leads courageously and expects God's greater reward. These are the building blocks of manly faith. Go for it!

· Get organized. Get the men of your church together to discuss the problem of missing/passive men. Talk about ways you can make your worship service more man-friendly (and your Sunday school more boy-friendly). Also, write your pastor a letter, asking him to move the congregation into new adventures and challenges and pledging your support when the change-resisters whine.

· Take risks. Sadly, church life often keeps us from living an adventurous faith. Don't let this happen to you. Reach out and serve the community. Walk the streets of dangerous neighborhoods, praying for everyone you see and meet. Plan a mission trip, and take other guys with you. If there's no adventure in your walk with God, something's missing.

· Watch your language. Use masculine metaphors when sharing the gospel. One time my friend Paul was witnessing to a very masculine man. Paul kept mentioning his relationship with Jesus, but his friend couldn't understand. Later, I explained to Paul that most men don't think in terms of relationships. Now whenever Paul shares his faith with a man he speaks of his adventure with Jesus, or his walk with Christ. He's using masculine terminology that makes the gospel intriguing (instead of confusing) to men.

· Corner the music minister. Ask for more upbeat songs with masculine lyrics. Slow, dreamy songs with lovey-dovey words are boring (or uncomfortable) for men to sing. If you're planning a men's retreat, can the singing. Challenge men to worship God outdoors, in the beauty of His creation.

· Rediscover the masculinity of Jesus. Try this: Pick up a paperback New Testament. Read one of the gospels, underlining every passage where Jesus is bold, confrontational or commanding. Then read the underlined passages again in one sitting. You'll be amazed at the Jesus who emerges. Truly I say to you: It's OK to be like this Jesus.