Plastic (Explosives) Man Part 1

By Shea Fite, The Narrows, May 23, 2010

I have been thinking a lot about how we should deal with our brothers who are hurting others by being consumed with their own selfish desires for risky sexual behavior, dishonest business practices and/or other various addictions. We all have at least one friend who is currently wreaking havoc in other’s lives (i.e. wives , children, customers, colleagues) by their behavior. I have nicknamed this guy Plastic Explosive Man. He views himself as a harmless block of clay but in fact this person’s actions spin out with grizzly collateral damage.

Many of us know all too well how close we are to being involved in similar behavior. So we run to our guy buddies for accountability and honesty trusting God and enjoying His grace and that keeps us away from potentially harmful stuff. And this view often times puts us in a position of confusion when it comes to confronting Plastic Explosives Man and protecting those most hurt by him. We state “For the grace of God go I” and often times move on without doing anything at all.

And it seems that once every month or two I have long conversations with my closest buddies about what to do about their friend’s behavior. Maybe it’s a brother who is demanding he has it his way. The women on the side, the substance abuse that is currently stinging his wife and he seemingly doesn’t care. His little ones are trapped in the fray. Or the guy that’s blown his life up with a hidden two year affair and now his mistress is pregnant. He has been hiding from his buddies in the accountability group, brazenly lying that all is well and that he has cut it off from the girl at work. These guys are of particular struggle because they still demand acceptance at family events, in business and in the company of men. They want their hurtful behavior to be ignored while all of their good behavior to be recognized.

These behaviors remind me of plastic explosives because that seemingly harmless block of clay is so potent when the right conditions are met. Those of us who are walking along side Mr. Plastic Explosive are hoping that he will change so the pillow talk from our wives will stop. Anger and religious indignation are at the top of our hearts because we are experiencing the pain second hand. We are watching as nieces and nephews are neglected or close friends that are the wives of these guys are abused. And the temptation to pick up the justice hammer for hurting their families is strong and seemingly justifiable.

But is angry confrontation really the way to handle an already self imploding and destructive behavior? Is an angry bravado response effective in producing change in Plastic Explosives Man?

The questions arises “how do we respond in such a way that really helps the situation?”

I have found that our cultural Christian playbook is seriously flawed in its ability to deal with Plastic Explosive Man. We have been taught from a very young age to be peacemakers. Standing up for truth comes secondary to making things feel better. So we naturally follow the passive route until we get so angry that we snap and open up a can of verbal whup-a** or shut these guys out entirely. And I think that history proves that neither response provides real results.

Check out this scripture in James 1:19-21 (NIV)

19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

Hmmm. Man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life…

So can we say that unleashing anger on Plastic Explosives Man does not bring about change in him? Does this mean we become the passive player, the Christian nice guy that is impotent to deal with a sinful and hurtful guy who ignores the pain he inflicts on others? Why is this so confusing?
 

I Corinthians 5: 1-5 (The Message)
 
1-2 I also received a report of scandalous sex within your church family, a kind that wouldn't be tolerated even outside the church: One of your men is sleeping with his stepmother. And you're so above it all that it doesn't even faze you! Shouldn't this break your hearts? Shouldn't it bring you to your knees in tears? Shouldn't this person and his conduct be confronted and dealt with?
 
3-5 I'll tell you what I would do. Even though I'm not there in person, consider me right there with you, because I can fully see what's going on. I'm telling you that this is wrong. You must not simply look the other way and hope it goes away on its own. Bring it out in the open and deal with it in the authority of Jesus our Master. Assemble the community—I'll be present in spirit with you and our Master Jesus will be present in power. Hold this man's conduct up to public scrutiny. Let him defend it if he can! But if he can't, then out with him! It will be totally devastating to him, of course, and embarrassing to you. But better devastation and embarrassment than damnation. You want him on his feet and forgiven before the Master on the Day of Judgment.
 

So here in 1st Corinthians Paul is clearly telling us to confront hurtful behavior. He is unleashing love on this guy and this community trying to get him to stop. He is encouraging us to make tough decisions. To call our brothers out who hurt others with their behavior, even publicly if they refuse to humble themselves and change.

Again in Galatians 6:1

1 Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.

I believe that confrontation and intervention is imperative when others are being hurt. We, as men, cannot standby and watch others hurt.  I also believe the way we do it is so important. It must be measured, truthful, gentle and seasoned in loving kindness. Because that kind of confrontation brings about results, real help in tough times. Sure it will cause temporary pain but we need to stop being confused about what our roles are. We need to get involved. If anger inside us  is an issue as we get involved and most of the time it will be when dealing with a Plastic Explosives Man, we need to invite Jesus alongside us so that our confrontation is loving and kind.

Paul wrote 1 Corinthians knowing it would cause them pain.  He confronted their hurtful behavior.  And in second Corinthians he recieved a report from Titus on the results.

2 Corinthians 7:8-10 (The Message)
 
8-9 I know I distressed you greatly with my letter. Although I felt awful at the time, I don't feel at all bad now that I see how it turned out. The letter upset you, but only for a while. Now I'm glad—not that you were upset, but that you were jarred into turning things around. You let the distress bring you to God, not drive you from him. The result was all gain, no loss.
  
10 Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets.
 

In a followup article I hope to address the skills needed to confront in a loving way.  Simply reading Corinthians will give you amazing insight.  Just know that the Bible is clear that all confrontation of hurtful behavior must be motivated by love if it is to be effective to change the situation.